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Roe Couture DeSaro
Multi-Award-Winning Entrepreneur|TEDx Speaker
Gutsy Gals Get More, LLC
Managing Director, eWomenNetwork, Central NJ
2018 Inspired Leader Award Recipient
Conversational Cocktails: Build Trust for Success
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Lauren Gabrielle Foster 0:00
Hello and welcome to the How to Choose happiness and freedom Show. I'm your host Lauren foster happiness teacher and founder of be happy first, as a certified Life Mastery consultant, masters of wisdom and meditation teacher and primal health coach. I'm on a mission to help 1 million women learn to be happy and free on purpose, healthy, wealthy, and joyfully living life on your own terms. Happiness is a choice and you can always choose to be happy first. Thanks so much for being here. Now on to today's episode. All right, Hello, and welcome to today's episode on severe we're excited to talk with real quick tour de sorrow. This is September the 17th of 2020. I started adding the date because sometimes we talk about things that are current events, but we don't say exactly what they are. And then the show could apply to everything. So it's so very interesting. Welcome row. I'm so happy that you honored us with your presence today. I am so happy to be here and such a pleasure meeting you. So thank you for having me here. We were chatting before we went live about rose business was downtown New York when 911 happened. And that may be a part of her story that we're going to let her tell you. So what what does it mean to be a gutsy gal?
Unknown Speaker 1:25
Tell us your story of Romeo.
Roe Couture DeSaro 1:32
I've recognized now that I've been a gutsy gal my whole life. So you know why I'm my business now is this movement of helping other women become a gutsy gal is because I just know, all of us have greatness in us. I know women have a lot of gifts and a lot of talents and a lot of creativity that has been shut down for generations, and is just now coming to fruition. And I just want to be a part of that movement and helping these women be really tap into who they are. Where is their power, what's going to give them fulfillment in life. Because I've it's interesting that you say happiness, I've narrowed it down that the two things will always always always just looking for its fulfillment and happiness. Because at the end of the line, whether you're going for money, freedom, Whatever your reason for business, or even in life is all we all just searching for. To be happy. We Happy? Yeah, that's it up and and fulfilled and fulfilled. And I think fulfillment is an area that women have escaped for so many generations, not on purpose, but it's just the society and culture that you know, we were handed and now they're awakening up to it. And we are waking up to it. And COVID-19 is waking everybody up to it more so so I'm so thrilled for that. So I'm happy that I get to continue doing my mission and helping women that gutsy gala is about the only guy that you need is to be you is to be authentic, is to be showing up in the world in what makes you happy. What makes you fulfilled? And what makes you jazzed up.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 3:11
Wow. Yeah, see, and that that's how we landed here together on the show, because that's my mission too. And the feminine way of creating has been kind of squelched, while we were all embracing the masculine way of creating, which is awesome and amazing. And we did great things with that. But even though I kind of want to hear your opinion about this, even though in current times more women are starting businesses, more women are finishing college, more women are doing all these amazing things in the world. And yet, we still report you know, vast numbers of us are still taking any depressants are still, you know, not pleased with our bodies there. We're not happy and fulfilled, even though we're being allowed to created the world in the way that then and that's where that's the shift that I want to see. I want to see women creating on their own terms in ways that fulfill them that make them happy to build them up and cite them.
Roe Couture DeSaro 4:17
Yes, yes. So I am totally in agreement with that. The max masculine success system we inherited was it served its purpose but and we weren't in the workforce then but now we are. And for us to be happy in this workforce. We need to bring who we are. We need to bring our feminine essence. We need to bring our feminine qualities or characteristics to the table and recognize that weakness is not a sign that we're not strong and weak. This is not a an emotional you know women are emotional, doesn't mean that we don't we leave that home and we don't bring that into business. We Before, but we need to be compassionate. And what we're trying to do is be something we're not. So we're trying to fit into this box being firm, but leaving the compassion out. So like, I mean, how could you be happy and fulfilled if you're leaving your heart out? Yeah, right. Yeah. We, we, we love so much of who we are aside and suppressed it. And that's why we're now the most depressed gender that's out there. And you're so right. And because what happens is what I see with the women that I work with, they they started a business, they're stuck. There. There's two, there's two, what there's two women, they're stocking, they're not growing, and they don't know why. And they're getting very frustrated. So they're not happy. Or they started a business, they are making the six figures but they're in such overwhelm. They're in so much they're so stressed out. There's so they they took care of everyone, they became the Superwoman. But they were like they the self care for their own self went by the wayside. And that's why.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 6:09
Yeah, so the strength that there is invulnerability is something that is message that is just, you know, we're, we're trying to get women to understand that, that, that being truly who you are with all of the insecurities and vulnerabilities, and the openness is the path to happiness. So we and we're all about giving women tools to help them so and we have an hour. So let's, let's talk about some of the tools of, you know, how we can learn to embrace who we really are, and step into the lives that we live.
Roe Couture DeSaro 6:48
Yeah, perfect. And part of it is that, yeah, we have this double bind. So it's recognizing this paradox that we have. So the first tool is really is awareness, and just know that we don't have to accept that, well, if I'm going to be successful, I need to be masculine. And I have to sacrifice my family and my career, and my body, and my health. And everything else. For the other side is like, well, I'm going to tap into my feminine side, I'm going to take care of myself, but I have to sacrifice not having a successful business, at a sacrifice not being able to make a lot of money. And so we first thing we have to wareness is that we have to get rid of this theory of sacrifice. We don't have to sacrifice, right? It's
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 7:39
not either, or it's Yes. And
Roe Couture DeSaro 7:42
yes, it's, you know, I've been telling women, they can have it all, for 40 years. And, and they no one ever bought it, I always would get feedback, and push back and be like, That's impossible. That's impossible. It's like we always we women have to sacrifice somewhere. So the first area is, is recognizing we don't have to sacrifice. There are ways you can, part of what I do is help women to make more and work less. Yes, less hours make more. And once we start to learn that it's less than what we're doing, and more of who we are being that when that happens. So how did this get done is stop forcing, you know, we have to pay attention take reflect on when we feel that, you know, we're in living by this, like goals to goal setting is very masculine, you know, women, you know, unless some women love goal setting, majority of the women, nurturing women, you know, you know, the creatives, the visionaries, the thought leaders, goal setting is like, Oh, no, it's like, I don't want to do that. So how do we, but how do we get that done? We get it done to our intentions, we get it done through serving, we get it done through looking at it from this place of service. So yeah, we do want to serve, but we need to take care of ourselves as well, at the same time. So there's, I have this whole exercise that I do, there's the power of, you know, the power of others, me tapping into my see and myself of my power of others. But then I recognized that I do this exercise. Well, how do what does it feel like to be in the power of you? I help them tap into their own resources, help them tap into recognizing Where are you at your most powerful self? What are you doing? Is it when you're a parent when your spouse, when you're in business, it doesn't matter where it's at, but seeing and teaching them and showing them that in a matter of minutes, I can help them tap them into their power for where they feel their most powerful self. Where is that because Is it is it giving another so now say tap into your powerful self. Then you tap into the power of others and then you simultaneously What I do is I do an exercise, well, let's hold, hold both powers at the same time. Let's hold, I could hold the power for you. And I could hold the power for me simultaneously. And we do this exercise. And we practice that. And that's when we recognize that, oh, I don't have to sacrifice me to hold my power. And someone else, I have a I have actually a piece of jewelry. There's a woman in my group on Team tots. And she does is energetic jewelry. And one of the pieces, she has the amulets, and she has a piece of jewelry that is like, it's kind of like the fire, the flame is the outer flame. And it's like, I want to ignite your flame. But I'm not, but not at the sacrifice of dimming my own life. So it's these awarenesses and these exercises of learning how to hold power for others, but at the same time holding power for yourself.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 10:58
We talk a lot in the whole be happy first drive and be happy first university we devoted a whole month to the power of words. So changing out setting goals, to setting intentions to feeling into the future that you envision for yourself, instead of setting something ahead that you're striving for it or they're completely two different things, right?
Roe Couture DeSaro 11:23
Yes, there is a difference between wants and desires. Okay, and so I have this exercise well as the women to take out a sheet of paper. And on the left side, I want you to write down everything you want. And just write down everything you want. You know, I want to make a lot of money, I want a new house, I want a bedroom set, I want a car, I want whatever it is that you want, and want to be happy, right? Could be, you know, I want to be different things. And then yeah. And then on the other side, I want you to Now tap into Okay, what is it that I desire? What do I yearn for? What do I desire? and write down what you desire? And you're going to see, it's so different than what you wrote down on your wants. And the desires are within what does that do for you? What is when you look at what do I want? What does that bring up? And when you look at the desires, what does that bring up in you? What does that do in you? So like, what happens is they start to recognize that the wants, which is totally masculine, is something that they come in and that they feel constricted, and they feel and they say like, Oh, I can't get that they have all this language, like you were saying these words that go in their head, like, Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not good enough for that one. I can't. And so they put all these perspectives and perceptions into that equation. And then when they look at their desires, what do I desire? They feel good, and they feel happy, and they feel open and they feel loving. And they're like, yeah, that's achievable. And it's like, well, this is how if we lived by our desires, and what we're yearning for, instead of forcing, living by what we want some goal setting some thing that society says we need to do, you know, I need to do this in my business. Because I want to have more clients. So what is it that you desire? So knowing the difference between wants and desires, or hope will help open you up to you tapping into your more feminine side, but you're tapping in more to your authentic voice, and you're tapping into, you know, what it why it is your purpose, and why you're here. And when you could tap into that. And you could see what areas really come up for you. Because sometimes what happens, and this is where I learned I've studied under Claire Samet, who does you know, feminine power. You know, Claire, thank you. Awesome. So, I'm in the process of her certification program, you know, right now, so I've been deeply studying with her for the last two years. And she told a story of when she was starting her business, and she was so focused on you know, I want to put all my focus on this business, she didn't have really good time with relationships, she didn't have good success with relationships. And so she started to think that back then, you know, 25 years ago that the woman any men on this planet that that could handle the strong woman. So maybe God's intention for me is that I'm just supposed to be this you know, power business woman and and my sacrifice is a love life. Talking about sacrifice, right? And but her intuition as she was building the business intuition, kept saying kept coming into her about her relationships, and about love and about you know, the love life and she was like, nope, Know where that road goes, not taking that road. It doesn't lead me anywhere happiness. It doesn't lead me to hype, it isn't not doing it. So she was ignoring her intuition. And she was pushing it back, because she was pushing back and pushing back to what's her insides was telling her, because the outside world was saying, you need to build a business and you need to focus on the business and your business needs to come first and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right. And, finally, when she, and I'm gonna make that I'm just paraphrasing and make the story long story short, when she was getting it so loud and clear. And she's also friends with Michael Beckwith. And so she happens to be, and she was going to this conference. And she had a dream about a she had a dream about a man. And then suddenly, she sees she saw an article and she was had this feeling like, Oh, my God, I need to meet this man. And then she sees he's speaking at the conference that she's going to that was around the world. And then she bumped into Michael bathware. And they're talking about what they're with friends, and they're talking about relationships. And she's like, no, that's like, I'm just focusing on my business. And and Michael Beckwith was like, What? And she was like, Who is this person that she says who it is, he turns out to be friends with him? Because she's married, you know, she's
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 16:18
married to Greg Hamilton. Yeah.
Roe Couture DeSaro 16:21
So she's married to this, like powerful man. But when they first met, and she's like, I'm going out, when you go to that conference, I want you to go up to him. And here's what I want you to say. And he gave her these like, things for her to say, and it was about relationship. It was about her dream and her feelings and like, no, no. And she was like, What? And he was like, yep, you're doing it, make a commitment. So she made the commitment to him. Long story short, she did it. Soon as they met, they had instant energy for one another instant like, and she spent like four days with him. And, and the rest is history. And I think they're married now 13 or 14 years. So she found the love of her life. Easy. She almost didn't, because she wasn't listening to her desires. She wasn't listening to her yearnings. She was trying to force a situation. Because the world, the outside world, society was telling her This is what you need to do. And her perception on others in the world and love life, she was bringing that limiting belief to the table, and thinking that this is the sacrifice that she needed to make. And she almost lost finding her soulmate. Because of that. And I believe that probably would have popped up some other time in her life. But, you know, but she would have to suffer
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 17:43
more how many years of not being happy, right? And I want to come back to limiting beliefs. But before before we do that, um, talk to me some more about this. So give me some examples of what what would the desires column look like for the expand on that and get me some more information.
Roe Couture DeSaro 18:03
You know, I just my desire to make it, I desire to make an impact. I desire to make it into back impact in the world, I desire to help help women who have gone through cancer, and really want to make a better life, I desire to be fulfilled. I desire to have a man of my dreams, I desire to have a business that really influences other women to go out there and be their powerful self.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 18:37
Okay. All right. Let me let me get this back to you and see if I've got it right. All right. So for me personally, and I'll be all wrong for vulnerable, my wants, could be I want to build a retreat center, and a lodge and meditation paths and gardens. The desire is that I want to be seen, or I desire to be seen. I desire to be an influence and a positive impact on other women, through teaching the meditation through teaching them self care, through providing this wonderful haven for them to escape and rediscover themselves. So I get it, I get it. So wanting to build a successful business is one feeling, wanting to have an impact and to serve and to you know, create is a completely different feeling is way bigger. Yeah.
Roe Couture DeSaro 19:34
Well, it's a bigger field. Yeah. And allows you which one do you feel more powerful?
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 19:40
That the desire by a longshot because, yeah,
Roe Couture DeSaro 19:46
so allows you to tap into your power and allows you when you tap into your power, you're gonna open up the ability for more wisdom and more insight and more breakthroughs and more creativity and more answers, you're tapping into your internal wisdom, the wise woman that lies inside of you, versus I want to build this retreat center will maybe be like, well, then I need this, I need that I need to learn this, I need to get this skill set, I need to get money to do this I need and all these things come up. And then you start like, how am I gonna do that? I'm not I'm not smart enough for that. I'm not big enough for that. I can't do that. Not me. What was I thinking? You know, the next morning? That's how you wake up, right? What was I thinking? Right? They into that desire framework, it's going to move you forward, it's going to pull you forward, to keep going towards what is going to really give you that fulfillment, and that happiness and that in that area, right? So it's kind of like, so take it from a money perspective, from a business perspective. If I always have people like, well, let's have three goals, there's the minimum goal of what you want to earn, let's say, in a project or a launch or something like that. And there's a minimum, then there's the, there's the middle of the road, like, like, the Okay, this is like this, this is the satisfied number, then there's that huge number that what I call it, my gutsy galgo you know, that bold goal that like the one that like could scare the living Dickens out of you, right goal, but create that goal, but then don't attach to it. That an expectation that if I don't reach that goal, I'm not going to be happy. That's what we do. We, you know, Tony Robbins did this. I remember, years back, like in the 80s, when I did a training with him. And he says the reason why people aren't happy is because their expectations are not lined up properly. And, you know, so when their expectation hasn't happened, they get depleted. So sometimes we put these big goals, and then when we don't reach it, it's like, then we create on happiness for ourselves and women. The problem with women is that when that happens, we make the meaning of it, about ourselves. When men don't attach themselves as the meaning they attach the situation as the reason why their expectation didn't happen. So they give it a completely different meaning. We make it all about ourselves, we take a very internal and that brings out that that takes our power away. So when. So when you're able to have this, it just it energizes you. So the reason for that big goal is for the energy of it is for that it's to awaken and catalyze that desire in you. Because now that opens up, what's the well, wow. So let's visualize, like, wow, if I, if I launch this program, and I in my, my ideal goal is 20,000. But I make 70. And I start imagining what that's going to do what I'm capable of doing. Now, if you go to the desire side, and it's like I'm desired, I could be seen, I could I could have all these things I'm able to do. Because of it, it gives you it energizes you. So you let go the outcome, that even if your minimum, no matter what happened, you don't really you're not attached to that goal. You're attached to the journey. And the big goal, energised your journey, which will increase the chances that your journey will be successful. More but if the journey didn't happen, it's always like, you know, I tell my clients to look at well what what's happening in your business that is giving you evidence that it is moving forward. Because sometimes we attach well I didn't get a new sale or I didn't get a new client or I didn't make the money I wanted to make this this month so therefore everything's bad. It's like no but yet you had more likes on your Facebook this month. You had more appointments this month than ever before. You had more people reaching out to you to maybe doing power partnerships. Those are all evidence that your business is growing yet you focused on I didn't get the five clients that I wanted. I only got one
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 24:32
left I totally love so you you are saying all the things that I say but you're saying the numbers voice and Bruce rose words and it's fabulous. So we call that unconditional happiness. So that Yeah, I'm loving this but I'm working towards it's going to be amazing when I get these results, but I don't have to wait to be happy. Shawn acre doesn't. He's got
Roe Couture DeSaro 24:57
love Shawn acre.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 24:58
Yeah, the the happiness Secret to better work. So we, we put happiness beyond the cognitive horizon is like, oh, I'll be happy when I reached this goal. But we reached the goal and we're not we set another goal and another goal, another goal, and right, we can flip it around and be in love with the process. Be in love with the desire and the cultivating of this desire, then we win no matter what you know. And yeah,
Roe Couture DeSaro 25:25
yeah, I'm in love with the journey. Love, I'm in love with the journey. I'm in love with life. I'm in life, I'm in love with being curious of what life is going to show up today and present me today. I'm in love with, you know, the wonder of it all. Like, I wonder, you know, when you get into that place of wonder, and curiosity open up and I've done this since the 80s. Where, because I follow Tony Robbins. I've been in personal development geek, you know, junkie since the 80s. And I went to a seminar. It was Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy, Denis, Denis waitley, Tony Robbins. And, and one other person all in one day. I mean, don't get that today. No way. This was 19, probably 80 to 1983. Tony Robbins, I think was like, three years into his business. I don't even know if he made a million dollars yet. I think he made a million dollars like right after that. His first million. And and he was young. But he didn't look young, because he was so tall. And I was there was in a theater in Manhattan. So it was I was I was in the balcony seats. I was like really far away. But I sat there, that's when I first sat there and said that, like, you know, I love like motivational speaking and I just loved it. But he taught me it's about and I'm a psychology major as well. So I studied psychology in college. But, you know, that's where I learned about, it's the journey. It's not about the destination. You know, it's the journey because, and you know, a lot of people, they create goals. That's why goal setting now the reason back to goal setting, you create a goal. So let's say you even do reach a goal, then they don't they don't understand why after that they're not happy. Because they never even replaced a new goal. They're like that was it. That was my goal in life. I'm like, you know, reshet? Like, no, it's like, what's your next level? What's the next what's what's, where are you going? Now? It's like, you know, I t's I started my coaching business when I was 55. And, you know, so I was getting this at 5354. My yearning was, there's something more, I'm feeling something more, there's something more I'm supposed to be doing. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing. There's something else I'm supposed to be doing. I was getting that message for like a couple of years. And suddenly, when I was getting that message, everything else was falling apart. Because I wasn't listening to myself. And everything else. I was like, nope, universe to God was like, You're not listening. And I'm, and I started I said to myself, I'm like, Well, I'm getting too old to get this wrong. I need to figure this out. And I think I need to figure out why am I here? Why am I put why was I put on earth? God, what is your calling for me? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it that you want me to do? And I hired a coach to help me with that. And and that's and and at the end it really validated that I wanted to empower women wanted to be that motivational speaker wanted but more I wanted to be more of a transformational leader. That wasn't a word back then. And but it validated it. And to me that validation was like, Oh, this is it. And this has been the first time in my life. So now it's I'm going on my seventh year, that I wake up every day. Like it's day one. I wake up every day with like loving every moment what I'm doing and I could have like a conversation with you would like this for 24 hours, and I will not be zoomed out. You know, I won't be talked out, I won't be zoomed out. I could have conversations at three o'clock in the morning about this. And up into that part of my life. I would I was the type of person that would start a new project. Go gung ho do really, really well out of the gate flying success. And then like it would falter, and something where it would fall apart or I would start to procrastinate, or I wouldn't follow through. They didn't know why I
didn't know why. And it wasn't until I because I realized because I was chasing. I was chasing money. I was chasing freedom. When I wanted when I was chasing and I found the money and I knew it didn't happen and I lost my million dollar business on 911 you know, the stock crash i'm not i'm no stranger to global crisises I had. I was earning close to $200,000 and a 30 year old in 1987 when the stock market crashed. I was on wall street I broke glass ceilings, I painted Need a paved, I paved the way, you know, for the women CEOs of today, and it says because I was, I was the first woman time and time again in three different situations. And, you know, so I know what it's like to lose constantly go up, and then be pulled down, go up and be pulled down. And and that's why that gave me that after 911. And after that experience, you know, put my, it put my definition of success in perspective, right? We all of us did, not only me, because I was there every single human being, I think 911 did that for immediately.
Right? Didn't do that for you.
Yeah. And, and that's what started me on that journey, in that quest to be like, Okay, I'm, I know, I'm on this quest for happiness. And I know I'm happy, and I'm enjoying the journey. And I know how to enjoy the journey. But I know there's something more that's going to give me even deeper fulfillment, which will give me deeper happiness. And, and, and that's when I started asking those questions. So you know, what another tool we say is to do is to, to learn how to ask the right questions.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 31:26
It's the absolute, you can equate all this to Google, the better your question, the better your answer is going to be, you know, so. Yeah, we can Yeah. And keep asking and be patient waiting for the answer.
Roe Couture DeSaro 31:42
Yep. Because those answers are going to give you insight.
It's going to give you insight, which is going to eventually lead you to your calling and your purpose. And, and that's what's going to leave you you know, to happiness, and, and go for it. You know, that's where, like, you know, women, I think with the creativity is like sometimes we put this label on what type of business we need to have? Or is, is what I'm feeling I need, what I what I'm called to do, yeah, but that's not going to make me money. Well, that's going to be too hard. Well, that's going to do too much, that's going to create too much sacrifice. But I think if we really tap into who we are, to really clear on who we are, and learn our unique brilliance and learn the gifts and the talents and who we are and then start to look at Okay, what have been all my experiences in my life so far. And and start to tap into, you know, you start to tap into, like, what solution you can give to the world and start to tap into well, who am I most ideally qualified to serve? The solution to? You know, so who is you know, who is the transformation for and what is the transformation. But when you know, and Claire helped me with I have always known this and I work about what she gave me in distinction was that the easiest path? is the one where you really figure out that when you add all this up, who am I most qualified to serve? Instead of, from this place of, Okay, here's the four categories of, of niches to work with target markets to work with the most lucrative, you know, business owners, corporate health and wellness. Finance, like those are the four main areas and then Okay, like, and then who in their, you know, do you want to work with and we try to pick who we are ideally, that who we should be serving, because they have a history of spending a lot of money. They have like all these different reasons that we give them all these labels as to why we want to serve these people without looking at us, as well. With everything that I've done, you know, who am I most qualified to serve? And that's why like, for me was like, well, I've been this original gutsy gal, that I'm qualified to serve women to be gutsy to lead in their pathway to find their pioneer, where's their pioneer path? Where's their Trailblazer? and help them find that Trailblazer? Because that's what I've done, but how to do it in a way that you're going to enjoy the journey and be happy. Like, I look back, and I said, I was able to have it all in a period of 80s and 90s. When then I'm finding that women are today 2020 don't feel they can do that. They can have it all and I'm like, wait a minute, I was doing this 30 years ago. So I said to myself, asking questions, right? What was I doing that enabled me To be happy, and to have it all, and to have a career of Wall Street breaking glass ceilings like, you know, most people's perception to be CEO of there's actually Citigroup just announced a first female CEO. So it's like first time in financial big financial firm like that. It's going to CEO, then there's another woman CEO, that's the first of its kind. That was just announced, just like within the last just last month. And but what was I doing, to to be able to have a kind of a wall street type of career, that technically, when you think of a CEO of a wall street career, they're like, she's got no life. She works 100 hours a week, she doesn't see her kids. A husband doesn't know who she is, you know, she never gets to go on vacation. But this is what we think. Right? So I was like, Well, I was going on vacation. I was raising my kids. And they were toddlers doing this so that my kids late in life. It says I had a very good relationship with my husband, we we went out to dinner all the time we traveled, we did everything. What was I doing, and that's when I started putting all these little pieces together. And one of the main ones that came up was boundaries is that I created boundaries, because part of it was, and I was made me think I was selfish at the time. But that was because of what society was letting us to believe. And I was thinking that it was manipulation and selfishness and all that stuff. But it was it really wasn't selfish. It was about me just being asking for what I want me having self care enough for myself that, well, if I am going to work and be a breadwinner, which society says I don't have to
write, because I was at the time when it was I was supposed to be a stay at home mom. So Mike, well, since I don't have to do this, and I want to do this, then, honey, I want a cleaning woman. I'm gonna work cleaning woman, I want this that you know, and this is what I'm going to need in order for me to do this, and we have a good time and have fun. And he was all for it. Because he was like, I don't have to have the pressure of being the breadwinner. And you can make money on that. And then especially I was on wall street with an expense account. He's like, Oh, I'm all for it. So I started just recognizing it was just it was I was implementing self care, from a standpoint of getting my needs met, that I'm deserving of being taken care of, I'm getting my needs met. As, as I do this, this, this and this, you know, I put it on myself that I wanted to be a business owner. So that's on me.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 37:47
But then you didn't expect anyone to read your mind, I see that 70 times that I look, he loved me, he would know what I want. And instead of you speaking up and saying, so that everyone knows where you stand and knows what it is that you want, and what your expectations and boundaries are. So clear communication, I watched your TED talk on conversational cocktails. That was fascinating.
Roe Couture DeSaro 38:11
That's also awesome.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 38:13
Yeah, and it is that you know, and so I and I was thinking about what does it mean to be gutsy? And what what, what will our viewers or listeners think when they see that see? And it did to me and I want to hear what your definition of a gutsy gal is that it is being true to yourself. And being in service and not settling. Deciding what your life you want your life to look like, regardless of what society your parents or your spouse or anybody says, and having a true deep believing that you are worthy that you're deserving of that and that it's entirely possible. And then moving in that direction with joy, and love and ease and curiosity and wonder and crying
Roe Couture DeSaro 39:05
and with soul with your soul and with heart and unapologetic and without judgment and without criticism. Leaving all that aside and doing everything you just described got to go beautifully. Thank you, you know, and I was concerned in the beginning because I had some people that came up that they thought it was gonna be me teaching them how to be like aggressive. Let's see me like go out there and be a man. And I was like No Actually it's the opposite. So the gutsy gal formula, there is that piece of that understanding the feminine the masculine and understanding the balance when to tap into your feminine when to tap in the masculine. You know, we create in the feminine. We, we we put it together actually stole in the feminine, you know we put it together in the masculine. So we We create in the feminine, we create the structures in our masculine, but then we execute in the flow.
So the flow is a balance
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 40:10
that the masculine with creating is like how you build a house, step by step by step, and you have a plan, you do all of these things together. And the feminine way of creating is more like cultivating a garden. That weed seeds and nurturing
Roe Couture DeSaro 40:26
the intuition tapping into the wisdom and the intuition, and, and then the masculine is the structured piece. So we need both, right, you know, we need both. So it's learning that balance, that's part of it. Another part of the go to gal formula is the boundaries, you know, getting to know the boundaries, and then getting to know it's the gender biases, the gender blind spots, that trigger us that men don't realize that they do, because society, and we don't realize it, and we start playing small. So that stops us from being unapologetic. You know, so when we could be aware, kind of like that was a conversational cocktails, when we could be aware that certain words or certain things, trigger us in a negative way, that that takes our power away, you know, then we can do something about it. And then we can recognize it. I'm a firm believer that it's happened with me, it's that when you when you're in discovery and understanding, and when you don't just discover why and understand and understand why you'll find your confidence in your power. And you can embrace your courage, because so that's so that's what the got to gal is really about embracing the courage, so that you could take inspired action, and that will give you the confidence. And then the confidence will give you more courage, and then more courage will give you more confidence. And then it's like that it's like, you know, who came first the chicken or the egg?
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 41:55
Right? We talk a lot about that, in that approaching anything new that you've never done for the first time, your confidence is going to be shaky? Because you're, you don't know what you're doing? Really? Because Exactly. So that's where having the courage to do it anyway. And that the confidence will come as you you know, increase your slope, we can learn anything that we want to learn, yeah,
Roe Couture DeSaro 42:20
fire any questions, you'll get the right answers. And then when you take the action, the action is what really gives you the answers. So you have to look at failure as a good thing, because you're going to learn so that you could be you know, what worked, what didn't work, you know, with, um, with managing director for a women that work, I partnered with a 20 year old Women's Business Network to help women so that whether they're working with me, in a group or personally, I get to really, I found a way to empower women no matter what. And that's by bringing them into the Women's Business Network. And, and, you know, and I actually started that with Sue urdur, I was one of our facilitators for her groups back in, I don't know, probably 1015 years ago, something like that. But, you know, it's, oh, I just lost my train of thought, as Seward is our publisher that to have grown on that, what what was your, what was your first book that you did with it? The very first book empowering transformations for women. So I was a facilitator for one of her power few chapters. And this is great story to talk about, like, I did not have any confidence in my writing skills. I had confidence in my speaking skills, because that's what I was accustomed to, that's the muscle I built, speaking to stockbrokers presenting in front of stock brokers will build that muscle. And but my writing was not good, because I was not your typical female in school, I was more of a masculine, I was an athlete, and I did not like English. So I didn't pay attention to English. So my English is not the best. So that to me felt like a good writer has to be a great, great in English and know, grammar and know all this stuff. And I'm like, so therefore, my deduction was therefore I could never be a good writer. So she was, I had to promote the book, as part of being a facilitator for power for you. Talking about listening, I'm promoting the book and promoting the book and deep down my desire was I would love to be an author and no, this would be like, I like I felt that desire to be an author. But my outside world, my head kept saying, No, you're terrible at writing. You're terrible in English. You'd be people who make fun of you, they're gonna laugh at you. They're gonna think, you know, you're gonna show how you really you're not so smart. And finally, I got that email. It said, one spot left, last call. And I was like, it's something inside me snapped and said, I don't know. I said, let me just reach out. To call and call to order, we'll talk about. So I looked at the easiness of that. And she empowered me. She gave me the comfort that I needed this is. There's another lesson here with women supporting other women. She just gave me that little extra. Don't worry about it. I'll hold your hand. We have copywriters for that. We have people that will correct your English I like you do. And we're going to have a class and teach you how to write. I'm like you will. And she said cast. Don't worry about it. You have a beautiful story. You're a beautiful person. And she knew my 911 story. And she knew and she was like, yeah, so I said, Yes. The moment I said, Yes, the universe opened up the floodgates, open up the floodgates. So now I'm like, Okay, what am I going to speak about? I don't know, what transformation did I have that I'm going to speak about that night? That very, very stressed synchronicity. At very, very night. I get someone reaches out to me, a woman reaches out to me on facebook have not spoken to her in 25 years. Hey, ro, how are you been looking for? You been dying? I found you on Facebook. It was a girl that I was friends with when she was nine. And I was 10. Her grandmother lived two doors away from me. Her parents would come in and visit and we became friends. And I suddenly was like, Oh my God. I know what I'm gonna talk about. And like, I wasn't completely but the next day, we had the call the training call and I told them the story. And everybody's like, you know what you're talking about? because what happened was, I went to her house at asleep over when I was 10 years old. And her father,
Miss appropriately, mishandled himself and sexually abused me. And everybody was like, Oh, well, we know what you're talking about. And I was like, God, I was like, Wow. I was like, wow. And so when we had to get together call with her. I never spoke to her about it. Because she didn't believe me. When I said it. I said something at 10 years old. I called her father out and I was 10 years old. And he basically just yelled at me and told me I was going to go to jail for making lies. And I went home and never told the soul for 40 years, like one of those stories. And she didn't really want to be my friends after that, because she's like, I'm making up these lies about her father. And she tells me on the call so now I Will Oldham adults. I'm like, I'm bringing it, I brought it to her attention. What just happened with the book, the whole thing. And she says to me, you know, my mother, I never believed you. And I struggled with that. She says, but my mother always believed you. And it turned out they found out her father was doing, you know, misappropriated things. And then they wound up getting divorced and he had passed on and he had passed on. So it was it was like, so here saying yes to this actually closed the door for me. It like I was like, wow, your mother believed me was like, I lived with this for 40 years thinking that people thought I was telling a lie. And that I was a bad kid and all this stuff. So you don't know when you finally do say yes to yourself. And intuition is telling you for I'm thinking it's for business. And it turned out the the the transformation that I got, because I wrote that story was, that's just one of them. My my eight year old mom at the time, she's 91. Now, she told me in silence. And I was because I told something else about a family member that was coming on to me, which is a family secret. And I revealed that so I was like foldability is like on the master at that. And I'll just be really quick, cuz I know we're coming at a time. So be the last story. But my mom comes to me and sits down and she tells me a story of a neighbor that came on to her. And that she never told in her entire life. This was something for when she got married when she was 17. So she was like 20 years old, like and now she's at 60 years, she helped us and I was like wow, she was able to get it and she was able to have finally that generation have that. Um, wasn't alone. Like this is the Me too. This is this was a situation there's way, way before Me too. So it was just an incredible sense of fulfillment and happiness. Because I said yes to my intuition. I said yes to my yearnings. I said yes to my desires. I looked within I looked with it I didn't look without we look for we look for happiness when I'll be there. If only I when this happens when I lose weight when on when I make a lot of money when it's like that is not the happiness the happiness is from inside. So I hope I gave your readers a lot of reasons Have why happiness is from within. Yeah. And how we could have control that there's one thing we do have control is we have control of our happiness because that I said, you know, if life is going to be hard I just had this feeling of life is going to be hard of life is gonna bring all these challenges, I might as well be happy doing it.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 50:19
Well, and you know, you said very early on when we were talking about interactions with your clients, and evidence of success, every minute of every day has beautiful, awesome, wonderful, uplifting things to look at. And it also has disappointing. Exactly, no one to look at, you get to choose where you're going. Every minute. And no, I would say
Roe Couture DeSaro 50:43
which 1am I going to feel better at, I'm going to feel better looking at the gratitude and looking at what's working, what's not gonna feel so good about looking down. I don't want to, I don't want to feel bad, I want to feel
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 50:51
good. Right, and being selfish enough to choose to feel good to make your happy. And
Roe Couture DeSaro 50:59
yeah, and it's not selfish. But we were taught that that it was selfish. And that's, that's limiting belief we need to get along. It's not selfish. Exactly. We have to fill our cup up, like actually overflow it so that we have enough to give ourselves and then others.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 51:15
Yeah, and I you know, and I'm trying to flip that word on its head, that seems selfish is a good thing. Because you cannot serve from an empty vessel. So if you don't fill yourself up first, you have nothing.
Roe Couture DeSaro 51:26
So boundaries, boundaries is not selfishness, boundaries, is helping people to teach them how to treat you. And they secretly want to know how to do that people, like our kids, kids want to make their parents love them and feel good about them. They want to do good. People, our clients want us to tell them what they need to deal with what's expected of them and relationship. So it's boundaries are not selfish, either.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 51:54
No, absolutely. There was. There was a really neat study that was done about, they got some playground equipment and put it in the middle of the just in the middle of nowhere with no fences, no anything, and turn the children loose. And they stayed very, very, very close to the playground equipment and didn't wander very far at all. But then they enclosed it with a fence, and the kids would go off, they would utilize all of that space. So what boundaries do is they give you a safe place within to create, and, you know, structure that that feels really good. Yeah, yeah. All right. So anything else? Any other tidbits you want to add for us? Before we wrap up for today? Ah,
Roe Couture DeSaro 52:35
you know, it's just that I think the one thing that really does hold us back, especially women is looking to the outside world for happiness and not looking within and just take 15 minutes every day and just get really silent, get really quiet. You know, if you don't meditate, you'll start to learn how to meditate, but just get really quiet, non distraction, and just ask yourself a question that you need to know an answer for, and just sit and wait for the answer. If it doesn't come that minute, it'll, the universe will stop bringing it to you. And it'll come like in the shower, you know, when you wake up, which is usually mine early in the morning when I wake up. So just just take that time, give yourself 15 minutes, just 15 minutes a day and just get silent. That's what COVID-19 taught us is about being reflective. That's what people change in so many things because that's what we that's what reflection does. So make it an effort to be reflective every day.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 53:33
Awesome. All right. So where can our viewers and our listeners find you we will wherever you're watching this if you look in the comments on Facebook if you look in the show notes on the website, if you look in the description on the podcast podcast, we'll include links and other information to help you connect with grow in whatever way you want to. But for those who are just listening, what's the best way to get in touch with you?
Roe Couture DeSaro 54:00
So my my website and they there's a contact there's a contact page in there is gutsy gals get more.
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 54:09
Let's see gals get more.com go
Roe Couture DeSaro 54:11
to gals get more and we get more happiness we get more love we get more money we get more clients we get more everything. And so that is one way my email is my namesake it's row at row couture the ceremony calm. So reach out to and anywhere most of all my social media handles with the exception of Instagram is be a gutsy gal. Be a gutsy gal on on LinkedIn be a gutsy gal on Facebook or bring into my my Facebook page. In on Instagram. It's a gutsy gal underscore leaders. I used to have be a gutsy gal but I lost it and it won't give it back to me. The saying that somebody else's I keep trying to tell them they are that was me but they don't But that's the best way I do have a Facebook group. And this way if they if they find me they want to find my facebook group. It's courageous conversations for a wholehearted, impactful, profitable business. But I'm all about courageous conversations if you want to join my courageous conversations and continue these conversations, that by all means I welcome you to invite you to come into my private Facebook group.
Unknown Speaker 55:25
Lauren Gabrielle Foster 55:26
Awesome. Awesome. Thank you again, ro for being here with me today. I'm so so very, very grateful. We're going to be back with another great guest next Thursday. And I hope you'll join us and be sure to subscribe and like and comment and participate get to be a part of the be happy first tribe wherever you happen to be fine. So we're gonna see you next week. In the meantime, remember, happiness is a choice. You can always choose to be happy first.
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